#my psych upped my dose 2x and my meds just don’t feel as effective anymore

[xannerz]

if i don’t get a raise tomorrow.

[drealibris]

1 year in therapy! Some notes.

Since my therapy and my meds I grew to like and search for more horror movies and I never looked back. Horror is amazing.

I started my therapy for depression and anxiety last year. I wasn’t even earning enough but I was working at home, so even if therapy would make me go broke af, I just went with it.

My thing is: I came from a breakup, and I wanted to prove to myself that I will be 100x better than ever immediately after it. I wasn’t, and I felt so disappointed.

I will also sleep for a whole day and decide not to work for no reason. It makes me look lazy and unprofessional and I do want to have a good work ethic, goddamn.

The thing that triggered me was when my dog got sick and I had a panic attack for a week. It was the Holy Week holiday and all vets are closed. My dog is better now - still being medicated but at least we know what to do now. But it took 4 friends to get me out of the house and made me trust my dog to my mom. We watched the blood moon with a telescope. That was unforgettable.

My meds are pretty expensive, but the recommended supplements make them 2x expensive. I have a better paying job now to pay for all the meds but ugh healthcare is expensive esp in the 3rd world.

I can feel the effects when I miss a dose now. I’m super mad and anxious.

I’m still lazy but I’m managing. I’ve been called out but instead of ignoring the phone calls/emails, I’ve became more diplomatic about it. It’s hard because I tend to shut down when I feel like I’m gonna be called out at work for being lazy. It’s weird and I fucking hate it.

I negotiated myself out of a huge problem at work by being sincere and communicative and tbh I never thought I could do that, thanks meds!

I want to work like a multitasker again who can focus and finish like 10 tasks a day without baggage, but I’m not there yet. Some days I’m almost there and I celebrate that.

How the fuck did I finish college with all those tasks and plates, learning how to code via LJ every night for the lulz, with a black cloud over my eyes - with my dad dying on my first year, wow idk man! Probably because I got to know people who became my friends, and we were very sympathetic and supportive towards each other.

But still, I felt I wasn’t good enough, even when I’m helping out people and they’ve been thanking me for years.

I went corporate and it wasn’t a great avenue for me but I needed the money and I was pressured to be idk a VP of marketing by my mom. Not gonna happen. I think it started there.

I gave up corporate world for manufacturing and manufacturing gave me an avenue for more creative work that I pursued self-employment. When I got my registration from the tax men and the city hall, I felt that I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK UP.

My ex was never supportive of my business. He would just want to know if I can pay the bills, and he gets mad when the pay is smaller or late. He wanted to rely on my business when I get my break, but he doesn’t want anything to do with it while I’m still struggling. He thought that the money I paid for registering was a waste of money.

It’s a great leap and it has ups and downs but I still believe that self-employment is for me. It literally lead me to therapy - I just finished registering my business when I decided to walk downtown and saw my doctors’ clinic. I inquired, did nothing for like 5 months, and came back.

Working for yourself is not an easy task esp when you take care of your own health insurance and most of them do not cover psychiatric treatments or meds.

(I can apply for a PWD ID but the struggle to get in line is real. There are more people who need that ID more than I do.)

FOMO lessened but is still real sometimes. I don’t live in the city anymore and I miss my friends.

I’m still afraid to get fired and my brain’s default anxiety work setting is always crisis mode. But I can tell myself to leave the shit for tomorrow.

I’m required to sleep and cannot work nights. I am not a morning person, but my therapist insist that I should be, even if it’s hard. Because of my work schedule I need to wake up at 3 am and sleep by 8 am. I am not averse to the grandma schedule but I do miss visiting my friends and talking until the morning.

I actually made myself lose 15 lbs last year, thanks to portion control and strict gluten-free diet. I gained them back this year because of my accident. I collapsed in a mall on the way to the train station and every doctor told me that I had to eat more. It comforts me that can psych myself again to get thin, but maybe not in that way again.

However, I feel more accepting of how I am now. Except for the mom arms. They have to go.

I can fucking cross pedestrian walkways now with less hesitation. I’m better with heights now.